Tuesday 23 March 2010

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21

Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Your life is far from drastic though, so you can just carry on doing fuck all.

Friday 19 March 2010

Wednesday 17 March 2010

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Marked improvements in your life lie ahead if you can only seize the opportunities that float tantalisingly in front of you with both hands.

Unfortunately your arrest last night means you can't seize anything - somewhat ironic considering what they caught you doing - so you're more likely to spend the next five years in a cell with a guy called Larry.

Tuesday 16 March 2010

Leo: July 23 - August 22

Roll a dice.

If you get an even number your legs will fall off tomorrow morning as you take a bath and listen to Tchaikovsky.

If you get an odd number you will experience searing pain in your knees and your nails will crumble.

If you don't roll a dice you'll be fine.

Monday 15 March 2010

Cancer: June 21 - July 22

Something will happen today that will change your life forever.

And it's a good job, because your life up to now has been shit.

Friday 12 March 2010

Gemini: May 21 - June 20

You are a patriot.

Later today you will sing your national anthem with faux tears in your eyes in an attempt to bestow meaning upon your shallow existence.

Then you will fail to grow up.

Thursday 11 March 2010

Taurus: April 20 - May 20

Piss up a wall and see what shape it makes.

If it's symmetrical, you're probably going to get an OBE before your neighbour does.

Oh, and your closest relative might die a bloody and horrible death.


Wednesday 10 March 2010

Aries: March 21 - April 19

Learn the square root of six. It might come in useful in an exam.

Possibly a maths exam.

Tuesday 9 March 2010

Pisces: February 19 - March 20

Dogs bark and cows moo.

People speak, but not to you.

You will become a pariah later today, probably around tea time.

Monday 8 March 2010

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18

Today your eyes will fall upon the most beautiful stranger, and your heart will skip a beat.

Unluckily for you the beautiful stranger won't be a doctor.

Say goodbye to everyone you love before you leave the house.

Sunday 7 March 2010

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19

The triangle is the world's most stable structure.

You should start building one round the back of that factory near your house.


You'll need somewhere to live when your partner finds out about all that stuff you did.

Poll Results

If you could be a mystic for the day, which one would you be?

50% of you said: "I am already a mystic"
50% of you said: "Noel Edmonds"
0% of you said: "Mystic Meg"
0% of you said: "Russell Grant"

It is a little know fact that most mystics actually have fairly normally lives, and most would actually rather be another mystic than themselves.

Friday 5 March 2010

Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21

Get a skipping rope and learn how to box. Fast!

Thursday 4 March 2010

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21

Ever seen a bull in a china shop?

Or a monkey up a tree?

Or a person driving a car?

No!?

There's a chance you are either blind or might go blind later today.

Wednesday 3 March 2010

Libra: September 23 - October 22

If you're not careful today, a sword might land in your throat.

Keep away from battle re-enactments and distressed animals.

Tuesday 2 March 2010

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Roses are red, violets are blue,

On your head today a bird will poo.


Monday 1 March 2010

Leo: July 23 - August 22

JK Rowling saw into the future and based the Harry Potter stories on your life.

Pack your bags, you're going to Hogwarts.