Scorpio: October 23 - November 21

Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Your life is far from drastic though, so you can just carry on doing fuck all.

Libra: September 23 - October 22

Your face will drip today.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Marked improvements in your life lie ahead if you can only seize the opportunities that float tantalisingly in front of you with both hands.

Unfortunately your arrest last night means you can't seize anything - somewhat ironic considering what they caught you doing - so you're more likely to spend the next five years in a cell with a guy called Larry.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

Roll a dice.

If you get an even number your legs will fall off tomorrow morning as you take a bath and listen to Tchaikovsky.

If you get an odd number you will experience searing pain in your knees and your nails will crumble.

If you don't roll a dice you'll be fine.

Cancer: June 21 - July 22

Something will happen today that will change your life forever.

And it's a good job, because your life up to now has been shit.

Gemini: May 21 - June 20

You are a patriot.

Later today you will sing your national anthem with faux tears in your eyes in an attempt to bestow meaning upon your shallow existence.

Then you will fail to grow up.

Taurus: April 20 - May 20

Piss up a wall and see what shape it makes.

If it's symmetrical, you're probably going to get an OBE before your neighbour does.

Oh, and your closest relative might die a bloody and horrible death.