Scorpio: October 23 - November 21

Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Your life is far from drastic though, so you can just carry on doing fuck all.

Libra: September 23 - October 22

Your face will drip today.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Marked improvements in your life lie ahead if you can only seize the opportunities that float tantalisingly in front of you with both hands.

Unfortunately your arrest last night means you can't seize anything - somewhat ironic considering what they caught you doing - so you're more likely to spend the next five years in a cell with a guy called Larry.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

Roll a dice.

If you get an even number your legs will fall off tomorrow morning as you take a bath and listen to Tchaikovsky.

If you get an odd number you will experience searing pain in your knees and your nails will crumble.

If you don't roll a dice you'll be fine.

Cancer: June 21 - July 22

Something will happen today that will change your life forever.

And it's a good job, because your life up to now has been shit.

Gemini: May 21 - June 20

You are a patriot.

Later today you will sing your national anthem with faux tears in your eyes in an attempt to bestow meaning upon your shallow existence.

Then you will fail to grow up.

Taurus: April 20 - May 20

Piss up a wall and see what shape it makes.

If it's symmetrical, you're probably going to get an OBE before your neighbour does.

Oh, and your closest relative might die a bloody and horrible death.

Aries: March 21 - April 19

Learn the square root of six. It might come in useful in an exam.

Possibly a maths exam.

Pisces: February 19 - March 20

Dogs bark and cows moo.

People speak, but not to you.

You will become a pariah later today, probably around tea time.

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18

Today your eyes will fall upon the most beautiful stranger, and your heart will skip a beat.

Unluckily for you the beautiful stranger won't be a doctor.

Say goodbye to everyone you love before you leave the house.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19

The triangle is the world's most stable structure.

You should start building one round the back of that factory near your house.

You'll need somewhere to live when your partner finds out about all that stuff you did.

Poll Results

If you could be a mystic for the day, which one would you be?

50% of you said: "I am already a mystic"
50% of you said: "Noel Edmonds"
0% of you said: "Mystic Meg"
0% of you said: "Russell Grant"

It is a little know fact that most mystics actually have fairly normally lives, and most would actually rather be another mystic than themselves.

Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21

Get a skipping rope and learn how to box. Fast!

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21

Ever seen a bull in a china shop?

Or a monkey up a tree?

Or a person driving a car?

No!?

There's a chance you are either blind or might go blind later today.

Libra: September 23 - October 22

If you're not careful today, a sword might land in your throat.

Keep away from battle re-enactments and distressed animals.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Roses are red, violets are blue,

On your head today a bird will poo.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

JK Rowling saw into the future and based the Harry Potter stories on your life.

Pack your bags, you're going to Hogwarts.

Cancer: June 21 - July 22

Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom pow
Boom boom pow.

If you can't do that today, you should try and do it tomorrow.

Gemini: May 21 - June 20

Today you will read your horoscope.

Taurus: April 20 - May 20

Your partner is planning to leave you today.

The best way to stop them is by chaining them to a radiator or knocking them unconscious with a frying pan.

Aries: March 21 - April 19

You have the charisma of a damp rag and the appearance of a low grade bank clerk.

Consequently Nigel Farge doesn't want you to be the next EU President.

However, someone out there does. Find out who they are, give them an office with an oak desk and a telephone and get the blighter to work.

http://ow.ly/1b6Ns

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

Take a straw and a pair of scissors.

Carefully cut the straw in half, lengthwise.

Now tie the two halves together and throw the thing in the air.

As it falls think about how much time you've just wasted.

Now get on with your day and do something useful for a change.

Poll results

Do you believe in horoscopes?

80% of you said: "No"
20% of you said: "What's a horoscope?"

In answer to the 20%, a horoscope is like a telescope crossed with a kaleidoscope.

It looks far away, into the future, and brings back images that make no sense.

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18

You're quite likely to go to the toilet today.

Make sure you pull your pants down first.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19

Buy a Nespresso machine.

George Clooney is coming to your house.

Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21

Black and blue, black and blue,
Someone's thinking about you.
Green and red, green and red,
Now they've put popcorn on your head.
Orange and yellow, orange and yellow,
Up your nose they've put a marshmellow.
Pink and white, pink and white,
And smeared your top lip with marmite.

You look like a tosser today.

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21

Bottles of water are easy to come by, but not if you live in the third world or far away from a shop.

My advice is to buy a tap.

Libra: September 23 - October 22

Jean Paul Sartre said that hell is other people.

He was a clever person. Unfortunately, you are not, so try your best to keep your head down today.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Tomorrow, something will happen to you, but I'm not 100% sure what.

Let me know when it does.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

Stones can break windows, but not if they're made of rubber.

But is that the stones or the windows? It's worth thinking about today. It could save your marriage.

Cancer: June 21 - July 22

Chuck an old person out a window and see what happens.

You'll never have to think about what to do with your days again.

Gemini: May 21 - June 20

Do you know who the Master of the Rolls is?

No?

Well, you should find out, because he's looking for you and he's not 100% happy with your behaviour.

Taurus: April 20 - May 20

Walking backwards can give you a new perspective. So can shoving a fork in your eye.

It's your choice.

Aries: March 21 - April 19

Today your nose will swell and start humming if you say or think of any palindromes.

My advice is not to say or think of any palindromes.